At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
