I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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