I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
