"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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