dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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