When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
