i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
