I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
