I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Randomize
