I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
