Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
