Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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