Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
