I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Randomize
