my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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