also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
