Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
