so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
