My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
