I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
