Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
