you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
