took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
