I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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