today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
