Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
