Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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