Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
her vagine was all disorganized.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.