Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
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There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
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He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.