I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Ketchup is God's man juice
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
The paramedics were not my fault this time.