Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
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James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
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Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?