i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Just cropdusted the office
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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