When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
