i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
