perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
i came on her dog
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
