I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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