Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
