Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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