my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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