I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Randomize
