you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
