a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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