My room smells like vodka and shame
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
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