i may or may not be watching the land before time
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
