Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
