When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
