alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
