Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
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