I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
