just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
