my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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