guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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