Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
