Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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