Non-Jews are for practice
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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