oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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