Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Randomize
