I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
