I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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