In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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