I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
