i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
