How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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