He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
