One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
