Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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